The other night at sangha, PS talked about preferences, attachment, points of view. How these are at the root of suffering. How the path of Buddhism leads to letting go of these attachments and easing suffering.
Understandably, this is quite the sticking point for many people. We love our preferences, our points of view. We love our attachments.
As one of our sangha members said, “I have a preference for a yogurt brand, and when they don’t have it at the grocery store, dissatisfaction arises. But that yogurt does taste better to me than the other yogurts.”
And other sangha member: “I live in chronic pain. I can’t imagine a moment, any time, any day, where I don’t have a preference to not live in pain.”
And as Dan Harris often says, “I am attached to my wife and kid. That’s not going to change just because I’m Buddhist.”
So how do we reconcile these things?
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On Monday night, we had book club. This month’s choice was “The Buddha Before Buddhism: Wisdom from the Early Teachings” by Gil Fronsdal. The discussion was fascinating, and not at all what I was expecting.
Fronsdal’s translation of “The Book of Eights” lays out, in fairly simple terms, practices for arriving at some semblance of peace. Of course, the world looks very different these days than it did when these practices were outlined. But as with any Buddhist teaching, we are invited to try it four ourselves and see.
This leads us back to preferences, points of view, attachments.
There was some disagreement among our group as to whether the teachings in the Book of Eights encourage us all to become monastics who live in the mountains, apart from the world, or if engaging with the world is truly the only way to realize peace.
We talked a lot about human tendencies, how ingrained it is in us to turn toward things that feel safe and away from things that present as dangerous. We talked about how our brain relies on pattern recognition and makes quick predictions. And how unlikely it seems that we could achieve a nugget of peace and calm in some of life’s more tumultuous moments.
The vivid description of “having a gun pointed in your face” was given as an example of one of these tumultuous moments.
“So I’m expected to just remain calm and breathe when there’s a gun pointed in my face? What would you do if there’s a gun pointed in your face?” this person asked.
Sometimes, you know in your gut that there’s just not ever going to be a satisfying answer for that person.
“I don’t think any of us know what we would do in that situation until we’re in it,” I offer. The room is quiet. In my mind I think: And what we would do today may look very different from any other given day.
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Biologically, there’s a correct answer, right?
At the first sign of danger (real or perceived), cortisol, epinephrine and norepinephrine flood our system. Our heart rate quickens, our breath gets shallow and rapid, our blood pressure skyrockets. Our amygdala reptile brain lights up while our logical prefrontal cortex goes offline. In the matter of microseconds, we analyze the situation and determine whether we should fight, run, or freeze.
If I am in a situation where there is danger (real or perceived), my brain’s reaction is a panicked survival state. When I practice mindful awareness, I can respond with something different.
It seems impossible that the natural order of this could be overrun. And even IF it should be overrun.
Those mechanisms have been naturally selected to increase survival rates of our species over time and space. During our evolutionary upbringing, the human who overreacted to a rustle in the bushes was much more likely to stay alive (and pass on their genes) than the human who mistakenly thought that it was just the wind, and not a tiger waiting to pounce. That human’s dead, and they did not pass on their chill ass genes.
Which is a great reminder of one of the single most important things I’ve learned these past few years: My brain’s primary goals are to stay alive and to reproduce. My brain does not care about my happiness.
It’s a risky move to try and override that survival instinct. It could cost us our life. Why wouldn’t we fight back against someone who is pointing a gun in our face? Or at my child?
In my experience, when someone comes in with big, brash, bold moves, the response of an unexpected (skilled, wise) action can often be just the thing to break the person out of their (fear-based, illogical, reptilian mind) behavior. When I am able to meet someone’s urgency and chaos with calm and ease, I’ve often found that the heated energy of the interaction cools. The edges soften. That brief moment of unexpectedness is just enough to create a moment of stillness in the other person as well. And maybe, in the moment of stillness, there’s room for a different response.
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I feel it’s hard to imagine this scenario play out with the “gun in your face” example, so I want to shift back to the yogurt scenario.
The situation is that I prefer yogurt brand A. My grocery store is out of this brand. Dissatisfaction arises. What’s next?
Reptile brain: Anger. Denial. Frustration. Personalization. Storytelling (why does this always happens me?! I’ve had such a shitty day and now I can’t even get the yogurt I want?). Prapanca - the proliferation of suffering.
Deep breath.
Prefrontal cortex: Ugh, this is not what I was expecting. I wanted that yogurt. I wish they weren’t out. But they are. Okay, what some other possibilities? 1. I can get another brand of yogurt. 2. I can go to another store. 3. I can eat something different for breakfast this week. 4. I can let this ruin my day/week/life.
Reptile brain: None of those sound good. I want *MY* yogurt and I want it *NOW*.
Prefrontal cortex: Okay, that’s intense. I hear you, lil B. I see that hurt. I see that anger. You wanted that yogurt and it’s not there. Are you also feeling tired? Hungry? Lonely?
If so, meet those needs.
And then, pivot.
You never know what the causes and conditions are for why the grocery store is out of your yogurt. Maybe there was a huge listeria outbreak at the dairy farm. Maybe that brand is discontinued, and it’s time to find a new favorite. Maybe there’s a shipping or stocking issue because workers are striking for better work conditions. Whatever the reason is, it is NOT a personal attack on you. So do everything in your power to not interpret it as such.
Does that mean that the preference if having a favorite yogurt brand is inherently unskillful/undesirable? No. But it does mean that it is not wise to let allow the yogurt preference to obliterate your inner peace.
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Is it easier to go back to the threat of bodily harm now?
The situation is that I prefer to not have my life threatened. My life is currently being threatened. Dissatisfaction (at the very least!) arises.
Reptile brain: Panic. Fear. Anger. Hate. Rage. The Will to Survive.
Prefrontal cortex: Ugh, this is not what I was expecting. I’m terrified. I don’t think clearly when I’m terrified. Deep breath, get oxygen to my brain. Hand on my belly. Feel it expand. Look this person in the eyes. They are a person, just like me. They are probably scared and hurting, just like me. They probably don’t really want to hurt me, they are trying to get a need met, just like me. I don’t want to hurt them, and I would like to live. What is it that they need. Look them in the eyes. Trembling voice. What do you need?
Money, yes here take my money.
I can get more money. Also joke’s on you - there’s no cash in there and I’m gonna call my banks as soon as you’re gone (right after I call the police).
If they shoot me dead, well then I’m dead, doesn’t matter.
I want to go out with love in my heart.
Metta.
May you be safe. May you be healthy. May you be happy. May you live with ease. May you be free from suffering.
Prefrontal cortex: Ugh, this is NOT what I was expecting. I want to be safe, and I’m not feeling that right now. Okay, what some other possibilities? 1. They just want my money…that’s an itty-bitty problem, comparatively. 2. That’s not a real gun…shit, that would be nice. 3. They want to kill me… well, that may be a bigger problem, but only for like a second or so if they go through with it. 4. There’s a billion other possibilities here. 5. They’re hurting, they’re suffering - just like me.
Continue the deep slow breathing. Continue sending lovingkindness.
Metta can shift mountains. Manifest miracles.
Who knows what could happen then?
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Too idealistic?
Maybe so.
Meeting violence with violence and hate with hate has not ever really been my vibe, my values, my way of life. It brings suffering to me.
To live wholeheartedly - cultivating authenticity, self-compassion, resiliency, gratitude, joy, creativity, playfulness, rest, calm, stillness, ease, meaning and purpose - that’s my vibe. (Thanks, Brene!)
As a wise man once said: “Darkness cannot drive out darkness, only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate, only love can do that.”
Meeting someone’s act of hate with more hate does not seem to ease suffering.
Meeting someone’s darkness with your own darkness does not seem to ease suffering.
Meeting someone’s violence with more violence does not seem to ease suffering.
Equanimity, compassion, and kindness can.
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Watching the DNC last night, I felt so inspired by Michigan Sheriff Chris Swanson as he articulated this very ideal: “In 2020, righteous anger spilled over into the streets of Flint, Michigan. One bad decision from either side, and there would’ve been bloodshed. But that didn’t happen. We laid down our riot gear and we embraced the community. And instead of hate, we chose hope.”
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So when it comes down to it:
Yes, I have a preference to not die a violent death, just like I have a preference to not live in pain, just like I have a preference for a certain type of yogurt.
AND I value compassion, courage, creativity, connection, kindness, and calm.
Ideally, I would like to respond from my values more often than from my preferences (and my initial reaction of dissatisfaction).
Right action. Right speech. Right effort. Right mindfulness.
We can see the way forward when we pause to create space between our initial, innate, biological reaction and the mindful, conscious, values-based response we hope to have.
When we lay down our riot gear, and actively choose hope in humanity.
There’s room for it all here.
Welcome to the party.
Thank you for being here with me.
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